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Suomi's Restaurant Review Guide for Amn
3rd Edition
What this game needs is a good restaurant review guide. Its just getting too difficult to depend on word of mouth; you may end up with some seriously disturbing advice (re Blunden's recommendation for the Brassierie of Bodhi in Athkatla) and find yourself needing quite a few Extra Healing potions. To alleviate this problem, I recommend creating a compilation of the various eateries to be found in the land. Our intrepid tasters will volunteer to search the four corners of Amn partaking of the various cuisines to be found. Those that return can submit their reports to this thread. Of course, like all good restaurant reviews, the scores should include the standard categories: food, service, ambiance, and price. The scale should be from 1 to 10 (where 1 is worthless, 10 is haut cuisine at its finest!); the money scale should be from $ (cheap) to $$$$$ (very expensive).
Enter The Fjhull's Forke Tongue Pleaser Restaurant Identify the Skeletal Remains Contest! Prizes! Fame! Uncertain Death!
Index
The Golden Cup
Fjhull's
Forke Tongue Pleaser Restaurant
Hengrist's House of Ribs
Planet Underdark
The Vulgar Monkey Bar and Grill
Wallace's Cafe
Windpear Luncheon
Unreviewed (need some brave souls to venture forth)
Brassierie of Bodhi in Athkatla (no
one has been able to finish a review due to hospitalization)
Genie's Silver Palate in Trademeet (closed?)
The Vulgar Monkey Bar and Grill
Location: Brynnlaw
Food: 3 Pretty pathetic, really. You would think that a coastal town would offer the best in fresh seafood and shellfish. But no, the local innkeeper justs keeps throwing more burgers and sausages on the grill. He keeps using the same oil for making French Fries which causes them to acquire a somewhat musty if not rancid flavor. Condiments only include ketchup and mustard which is OK for the kids but certainly not adequate for any culinary specialist. Don't even bother with the deserts; none were identifiable.
Ambiance: 3 The gray, wet and dreary interior (much like the town of Brynnlaw itself) would almost be enough to recommend travelers to avoid this place like the Darvonian Plague. But a little and unknown secret (see Service below) makes a visit worth your while!
Service: 9 This tavern offers up something unique in the territory: singing waiters! Granted, their selections are short and somewhat limited but indeed, do add greatly to the watery charm of the place. There exuberance and buoyancy is quite unmatched in the realm. If only they could have stayed sober, I would have seen fit to give them a mark of 10.
Overall: 5
I cannot recommend this tavern for food but for a quick glass of ale and some
local charm, it cannot be beat. A minor nuisance (hopefully fixed in the future)
is that once you've left, you can never go back.
Location: Trademeet (just off the small square in Southeast quadrant); you can recognize it by the sign hanging above the door showing a hobbit wielding a large (well, large for him, anyway) sword pointed toward the heavens.
Food: 7 It could have been an 8 except there seemed to be an abundance of rutabagas and turnips in almost every dish; the parsnip sauce was especially sharp if not somewhat thick.
Service: 7 Again, it could have been somewhat better but the hobbits' tendency to chatter on even during the meal was quite irritating. However, the speed and cleanliness of the service was faultless.
Ambiance: 9 (or 3) The ambiance is quite specie related. For a hobbit, it is Nirvana with hobbit memorabilia on all the walls and fixtures. Smirf's Infamous Gloves of Lockpicking (in a special glass display) are quite breathtaking. However, other species (such as Half-Orcs) might be somewhat miffed to find pieces of their ancestors strewn about in odd places. Gorkin's Left Hand (tanned) seemed a bit out of place over the mirror in the men's room.
Price: $ Excellent, excellent prices for the food. Undoubtedly the best value in Tracemeet.
Overall: 8 (or 5) No hobbit should miss this stop if they are anywhere near Trademeet. Other species are bound to found some favorites here (with the exceptions of Half-Orcs, of course). Wallace's Cafe is a wonderful, local restaurant, and an appropriate eatery to be the first entry in "Suomi's Restaurant Review Guide for Amn."
Comments:
"Not really my kind of place, I'm afraid - I can't stand Little Chef restaurants." -Blunden
Location: just south-east of Nashkel on the main caravan trail. Built into the ribcage of an ancient deceased dragon, this establishment just oozes ambience. (Ed: Funny, I heard that it just oozes)
Food: 7 Not up to the standards of the main city restaurants, but large helpings to serve the appetite of any adventurer on the trail between Baldur's Gate and Amn. Hengrist, the half-orc owner/chef, prides himself on catering to a wide variety of tastes, and if you can't find anything you like, will happily cook any animal you care to drag in, devising recipes on the spot. His Ankheg Thermidor is now so famous that adventurers will often bypass the Beregost smithy entirely to bring him their carcasses, and the subsequent echoing booms of the complementary +2 mallets which must be used to crack the claws attest to the diners' enjoyment of this delicacy.
Service: 5 Hengrist doesn't bother with waiter service, instead requiring customers to order from the bar, so queues are a possibility on busy nights. However, a bunch of quest-weary adventurers with a tale or three to tell can often engage the attention of Hengrist himself, and they can be assured of good service from his bar and kitchen staff at the cost of telling a few grand stories.
Ambiance: 10 Sooner or later, practically everyone who is anyone on the Sword Coast wanders into Hengrist's, and if you don't happen to catch any of them during your visit, many of them have left behind a variety of unusual mementos in lieu of payment for their bar-tabs. Browsing the walls of the main bar area will often reveal some new item that you hadn't seen before - from Tinkle, formerly Drizzt's emergency back-up scimitar, to a jar of pickled semi-divine frogspawn which Hengrist swears blind was the product of Bhaal's attempt to breed with one of Faerun's amphibious races ("Talk about Bhaalspawn? I got me a whole jar of it over the bar!") You'll also almost always find a number of travellers passing through, making Hengrist's the best place for news, rumours and outright lies about the surrounding lands for miles around.
Price: $$$ Unfortunately, being on a major trade route does let Hengrist charge what the traffic will bear, so you'll pay more than you would for the same meal in, say, Nashkel or Beregost - but then, you're not just paying for the meal, you're paying for the experience.
Comments:
"Another funny thing about this place; I was there with a bunch of hobbits one evening. They made us pay in advance, we never got any food or drink, and then they kicked us out because they needed the table for the Gronk party. I don't really think that is very good service, do you?" -Suomi
"Ah yes, I recall hearing about this incident. A bunch of half-drunk halflings came in and tried the old trick of casting Project Image then paying for their food from the Image's purse. After that fell through, they accused the barman of pocketing their money, barricaded themselves behind (or was it under?) a table and demanded free meals. When they were eventually thrown out two hours later, they said they'd get their revenge by bad-mouthing the place to all their friends. Still, you can't please everyone." - Blunden
Location: Just a little ways off of the Temple District in Athkatla. Reservations are required so book ahead.
Food: 9/10 The food is exquisite as The Golden Cup employs only the finest of chefs to cater to discriminating tastes (except for gnomes as the chefs don't like working with turnips). They have an excellent roast duck seasoned delicately with fresh herbs and served with well cooked vegetables in the finest butter sauce. For the Paladin or Cleric who's been praying and adventuring all day The Golden Cup serves a lovely bread pudding filled with fruit and served with a crispy crust that's simply divine. And catering to all the Bhaalspawn in the realms there is a special Slayer cake that consists of three dark chocolate layers filled alternately with whipped cream and a brandied fruit middle layer. If you happen to come by in the morning The Golden Cup has a tearoom serving little sandwiches, tiny pastries and all varieties of tea. There is a slight problem with the tea cooling too fast as the tea cozies keep getting stolen by people casting Timestop. The investigation is ongoing.
Ambiance: 7/10 The wait can be long if you didn't book a place long enough in advance. There are also rumors (denied by the management) that certain nobles can get in even if they hadn't booked a table. Formal attire is required so leave your blood splattered armor at home adventurers. Fighting isn't tolerated as any disagreements must be left at the door. The Vampire Guild got banned permanently after some nastiness with a member of the Order of The Radiant Heart and the local Thieve's Guild. Aside from that the decorations are wonderful with fine art displayed tastefully on the walls. Food is served on fine china and rare and costly wines are poured into crystal glasses. Since the atmosphere is rather formal those souls wanting a more rough and tumble atmosphere are advised to seek their dining entertainment elsewhere. Another reason for the less than perfect mark is the bathrooms are so small they seem like closets and, although clean are rarely stocked with toilet paper. A Rasheman ranger who insisted that his hamster be seated as well caused untold damage when he discovered this fact for himself. (Ed: The hamster or the ranger?)
Service: 8 Once you get past the waiting for a seat the service is wonderful. You never have to wait for a waiter/waitress and your teacup or wineglass is never empty. The dessert cart is always on hand and there are appetizers brought to your table almost immediately while you wait for the main course. The service can be a little slower when it gets busy in the evening. Overall Rating: 8.5 Given that The Golden Cup caters to a monied clientele this place is not for the adventurer down to their last gold piece. But for a break from the usual mediocre food usually found on one's travels this place can't be beat. If you want to be treated and fed like royalty The Golden Cup is the ideal place for you.
Price: $$$$$$ Unless you pickpocket Fire Giants on a regular basis eating at The Golden Cup all the time will put you in the poorhouse. This place charges so much that Aran Linvale has been known to say this place has more thieves than he does. But since the upper class and all the temples come here to eat this is the perfect place to find a noble or official that's open to bribing.
Comments:
"I would like to eat here but they will never take my reservation. I even tried using Blunden's name but all I got was a pipe bomb in the mail." - Suomi
Fjhull's Forke Tongue Pleaser Restaurant (review by Nadazgada)
Location: The Outlands. Easy to spot, look for the skeleton remains of a monster (cant remember what species though). Owned by Fhjull Forked tongue.
Food: 1? If you are from the Primes, the food served here will not impress you much. It mainly comprises of Tanarri remains taken from the blood war. But if that is your taste, try the Demon-steak well done, with Succubi tear sauce. Nice. Also according to Fhjull himself, Mimir Skull in Fiend Blood soup is normally the soup of the day every second day of the month.
Service: 1, complimentary point for the sole reason that Fhjull has got no other choice but to serve you. I didnt really pay attention on his reason for that, but apparently it is because he is serving some contract for the restaurant.
Ambiance: 10, If fear/uneasiness is your favourite feeling, then this is the place to be! One can't help but suspect a great deal of danger by just being in here. The vast collection of bones (demon AND primes) scattered all across the walls certainly helps liven (deaden?) up the atmosphere. Also not many visitors around.
Price: $!! If you pester Fhjull enough, he will let you help yourself, anything at all, for FREE! Overall: 10 Poor service, dodgy setting and food that wont please any primes certainly makes this restaurant avoidable. However, this is offset by the fact that you can get anything here for free as well as the freedom to rest for as long as you want during your stay. Why the 10? What can I say, I am a sucker for free stuff! "On your way to the Pillar? Stop at Fhjulls for some tummy filler!"
Comments: Please note contest concerning identification of skeletal remains - Suomi
Planet Underdark (review by The Blunden)
Location: Just north of the Slums district, Athkatla A number of 'theme' restaurants have sprung up recently in Amn, and they vary from moderate to terrible. Unfortunately, this one falls at the lower end of the scale.
Food: 4 You know the drill when you enter a restaurant like this - twice as much thought put into the names of the dishes as the actual content. Well, in this case the names aren't that imaginative, so the content... We started with the appetising-sounding Menzoberranzan Medley. This turned out to be a mushroom salad garnished with mustard. To follow, my fellow diner went for the Hook Horror Cutlets (poorly disguised bugbear steaks) whilst I went for Drizzt's Deadly Scimitar Special (a strong, but unappealing curry with vaguely scimitar-shaped poppadums). To finish, we tried Lolth's Lethal Arachnid Special, which turned out to be a spider-shaped lemon meringue with chocolate flake legs. The disappointment is not in the silly names of the dishes, nor their complete lack of resemblance to anything served in the Underdark (we expected that), but in the lack of effort that had gone into the dishes themselves. They were, at best, mediocre, and for the prices we were charged, 'mediocre' doesn't cut it. I have to admit, though, that some of the cocktails are quite enjoyable. I don't know what exactly they put in the Svirfneblin Svivel, but it certainly has a kick to it.
Service: 6 Service was reasonably prompt, though the waitresses (of whom more later) had mastered that annoying restaurant staff trick of carefully failing to meet the eye of any patron who might try to attract their attention. It took half an hour and some napkin semaphore to get our bill at the end of the meal.
Ambiance: 3 If you've never been to the Underdark (and, it's true, most of the place's clients haven't) you might find Planet Underdark vaguely realistic. They do, at least, keep it dark (Helms and Scrolls of Infravision are supplied for any human patrons), and they appear to have tried for a general Dark Elf theme, with lots of spider motifs and pseudo-ornate furnishings, but the effort stops short of anything resembling reality - the Elven waitresses with blacked-up faces and low-cut Priestess robes are a particularly tacky touch. There are also all sorts of 'memorabilia' around, but these are mostly of the standard you'd find down the flea-market masquerading as 'genuine' Underdark artefacts. The reproduction Adamantine suits of armour, in particular, appear not only unrealistic but also totally impractical - how anyone could climb into one without impaling themselves on half a dozen spikes is beyond me.
Price: $$$$$ Ouch! When I first saw my bill, I assumed that the price must have been quoted in copper pieces. This is not a place for a cheap bite to eat. It doesn't help that they include a set 15% service charge, and if that's not enough, your only route to the exit is through the gift shop. Yes, to make your Underdark experience complete, why not buy a vaguely realistic wooden scimitar based on a description of Drizzt's frostbrand told to the designer by a friend of a friend of someone who thinks he saw it from a distance one time? Or how about a cute little furry Hook Horror for your kids? And don't forget your glow-in-infravision Planet Underdark T-Shirts, available in XL, XXL, XXXL and Xtremely expensive. All in all, this place might impress the more foolish nobles, or would-be adventurers too timid to see the Underdark for themselves, but for anyone who wants to experience the reality of that mysterious and dangerous world beneath our own, steer well clear - Planet Underdark is unlike any Underdark you'll find on this planet.
Overall: 4
Comments: "You forgot to mention that if you try to nick some of the fancy wonderful cutleries, it will turn to dust when it gets hit by sunlight. Damn, I lost that nice adamantine ladle a few days ago!" - Nadazgada (Ed: 'nick' in English English means 'steal')
Location: Dock District (just follow your nose). Gronk is a Half-Orc who caters specifically to Orcish tastes. Any non-Orc in his 'establishment' (and we use the word very loosely) is viewed suspiciously. But if you show Gronk some coin, the other clientele just may let you live.
Food: 1 Well, to be fair, we should probably have a Half-Orc review this 'place' for quality of food. If I recognized the item on the menu, I didn't want to order it; if I didn't recognize the item, I still didn't want to order it. I finally settled for the Dead Fisherman's Stew. However, after it arrived, I was pretty sure my instincts for the source of the name were correct. Poor Nabeesh... he used to be a pretty good fisherman. I thought then I might try some ale, finding only the Orc Spewl Ale non-nauseating. However, I was quickly mistaken as the Ale seemed little different than the sewer running through the middle of the floor. I threw down a few coins and raced from the restaurant before I lost the rest of my breakfast.
Ambiance: 1 After visiting this 'bar', I really felt I needed to restructure the grading scale to include a 0 or perhaps negative numbers. I'm not sure which was more repulsive - the sewer smell, the oppressive heat, or the appearance of Gronk himself. Certainly I could find no redeeming features anywhere.
Price: $ And still overpriced...
Overall: 1 Duh.
Comments: This place should be burned and leveled; then salt and acid should be thrown upon the ashes. If Gronk happened to be inside while this was going on, it would not necessarily be a bad thing.
Windpear Luncheon (formerly Winspear Dungeon Refectory) (review by Nadazgada)
Location: Winspear Hills, in the local dungeon complex. Oh yeah it recently changed its name. I went looking for Windspear Dungeon Refectory after Sunray'ing several vamps but I couldnt find it. Went to Winspear Luncheon and nicely enough, I learned about the name change.
Food: 7, The main cook is a troll (Ed: as is the reviewer?). However, having been taught cooking by orcs, he managed to develope a certain unique style to his cooking. Try the Stewed Boar Special. Tastes good, but smells well... nevermind. Or if you are more into challenge for food, try the Stewed Boar Troll Style. Genie flesh never tasted beter!
Service: 4. Being in a busy dungeon complex full of hobgoblins, I am sad to say that it would be much faster if you served yourself. The hobgoblin staff didnt help much, opting to wait until we finished our meal to see if they can eat us instead. I guess they will be looking for new staff the next few days.
Ambiance: 6. I am hungry after killing vamps, orcs, wraiths. The last thing I want is a place to eat which reminds me of dungeons. For gods sake, not all of us are bloodthirsty as Korgan!
Price: $$. Not that there is any place around that serves food, but I found out that they charge a decent price for it. If you don't have gold pieces, you can always leave something, go out, loot some hobgoblin corpse and use it to pay when you get back.
Overall: 6. A decent enough place. Unique food. Good location. Shame about the staff and the setting though.
Comments: Look for some troll fingers in the dishes. Apparently the cook is a bit careless at times. -- Nadazgada
The Fjhull's Forke Tongue Pleaser Restaurant Identify the Skeletal Remains Contest!
The first person (or sentient---ah what the heck, let's let Orcs enter too)... the first 'body' (wait, that leaves out elementals)... hmm... wait, I got it! The first 'thing' that can describe in a lanuage I can understand to identify the skeletal remains lying outside of the restaurant wins the following prizes:
1. A wheelbarrel full of guano
2. Free lifetime meals at Fjhull's Forke Tongue Pleaser (sometimes mistaken for #1)
3. Free trip to the Outlands
4. One Fjhull's Forke Tongue Pleaser Restaurant T-Shirt (not guaranteed new)
Remember, not only do you need to identify the remains, you must provide proof!
Just send your entries to [email protected] - you wouldn't want to post them and have your research stolen, would you?
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